Today sucks.
My friend of 2 years and 4 months old, K.K..is no more.
She touched alot people's lives via online and in person. I know alot of you loved her and liked my pictures of her..
Thank you.
Thank you for support.
-Cary
#Insomnia strikes again.
Many thoughts in my head, all things just blur as I lay in the futon with little round black rattie on my heart.
A little thing in my head says mean things, trying to push me over...
Am I worth it as a person?
As a friend?
As someone to hang out?
As someone to date?
I feel heavily that I'm too much of flaming dumpster to be around.
I feel tears begin to form on my eyes, I don't wipe them away.
I need to feel it.
I always avoided letting myself to feel ever since I got bullied in elementary school..they called me, "Crybaby Carrie".
I learnt to bottle up all of my emotions one by one..
-I bottled it up when I got sexual assulated on the school bus.
-when parents threw away my pokemon collection into the trash.
- when nobody in family respects my space
- when I damaged my ankle on track and wasn't believed. They believed school nurse over me.
Exploded when dad took away my phone in high school and I punched the wall. No therapy.
Had mental meltdown from all stress at 18 and got checked by psychologist.
Still no therapy.
-bottled it up more with college and first kiss stolen. I never got to have a right first kiss.
-bottled it up even more when I graduated from college and...no family was there for me. I was alone.
- bottled it up again when I moved to NY for a ex and they broke up with me right after.
My emotions went spinning and still have no therapist.
-unbottled some in 2013 to 2019 with an therapist then was told that I'm doing fine...but I wasn't.
I hadn't processed my trauma with my upbringing and how I was treated by parents entire of my life.
Still bottling until I got broken up with. It was like a glass bottle...small cracks all over it and..it just brust apart.
I got an new therapist, still trying not to bottle my stress now.
I'm just..an broken person with alot of issues.
This is why I bottle up my feelings, I make mistakes with friendships/relationships..
-Owly
..I'm so tired
#rantpost#kneesurgeryrecovery#stress#struggle
I made account with @everywhereisqueer and set up my information! (When I do move, I'll update)
To confirmation: I have to check with my work comp to be clear if I'm allowed to keep doing my art as side while on workcomp because it's not much as what work comp gives me.
Will update this post! Meanwhile, please do give me a follow on my social media!
#queerartist#smallbusiness #
This Pride Month started off really rough.
I'm lucky to have some people in my life to listen, talk to me, and remind me of what I can do.
Self-care: treated myself to some things to make life worth it.
Also seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now, have future appointments set up.
The book was gifted by @bennytheenby , they know how much I sucked at sleeping haha.
Friends: I got to meet up with new people this month and said good-bye last night to a friend that's moving out of the state.
Housing: still looking for place and roommates that I can trust.
Things are still strange for me. I can't imagine not living near people I enjoy spending small time with and it's been really surprising how much I can learn from them.
I wished I had that growing up. I feel I'm late to everything.
Trans Plan:
Still figuring out the thing with doctor and appointments.
Appointment with KIND clinc is in the fall season.
My back hurts and my mental health is hanging on.
I'm okay with how my face looks with light mustache on. (Thanks to my body for PCOS)
This is my monthly update.
See cha in July.
Last night was pretty cool, I got to see full moon.
I still struggle with my knee. Recent MRI scan showed I have a small tear in area right behind my knee bones. Was advised to try therapy bit longer to see if it'll heal up and up not...might have to get second surgery to fix it. #kneesurgeryrecovery
Housing- I'm still looking and currently talking to some people to see if it's possible to become roommates or to rent a room in the house for monthly until I get call about low-income apt.
Job- been searching each morning and applied to few each day. It's hard to find desk type of job.
One of opinions is to rent a storage unit and put some of my bigger stuff in it and live on someone's couch until I get lucky.
I really hope it won't get to that point...
This is really frustrating.
Here are examples of what my @printify shop has! If you had seen my past work and would like to see it on something, let me know!
link: https://coffee-owly-arts.printify.me/products
#DeafArtist#SmallBussiness#artist
I got new emotes up on my ESTY shop! It's 4 emotes of Surprised, Sad, Love, and Anger plus Banned Ghost owl!
Check my profile for Linktree Link to the Esty shop!
#twitchemotesartist#deafartist#smallartist
Another part in my art journal. Feeling all emotions at once.
Been trying to hang on and think postive. 😥
📞 I still have therapist on 21st.
⛑️ Still have post-MRI counseltion on 18.
🔍 Still have another month of job and housing search...all those things I still need to find.
I did find a place but landlord wants me to get a job to replace the Work Comp Income.
I have no family help for the move if I do get into a place...
It's hard when every job I applied to, both far and near rejects me. 🚫🚙
I'm not replaceable. I'm not something that gets thrown away once I'm broken and useless...😡😤
I wish that fall never happened in the first place.👊🖕
#struggle#kneesurgeryrecovery#jobsearchishard
Rat Saturday Things-
Opal demanded taste of my apple juice..then later I found Oreo had gotten stuck between tub and toliet with her ball time.
Poor Oreo! I had to clean her up and clean the ball. She had small accident in it because she couldn't move the ball at all. It was stuck there good, took bit of force to pop it out.
#esarats#esaintraining#ratsofinstagram
It's been almost a week since the break-up.
I still struggle with some small things. Some I have neglected and some I managed to finish.
It feels so empty, I make efforts to fill the emptiness with activities and job/new place searching.
It's not same as having a special person to lean for bit support when things gone to shit literally.
I still have random moments when I'll feel brusts of sadness and wanting to cry. So I cried in those moments, letting myself feel it.
It'll be long time before I can try be their friend and not feel sadness...maybe when I'm in better mental place.
This is second time I've been dumped.
Others, I had to break off because it wasn't good for my safety/mental health.
So I understand why this happen.
An life lesson to learn...
#breakup#mentalhealthisimportant#bekindtoyourself
