Astrid

“Never have I ever low-key pretended to drown to get a cute bodyguard’s attention.” Gulp. We all have our summer sins, summer loves and terrible summer water sports that prove we’re not a rational species. Those are the ingredients for what I call “The Bodyguard Fiasco”, my biggest summer trauma. I have since done the inner work necessary to dare to swim in a public space again. And here I go! After not enjoying splashing in the water for some time, today I was ready and confident in my ability not to embarrass myself too much, so I could at least awkwardly enjoy a pool day. Goodness gracious, it’s hot! ☀️🕶 For future reference, 40°C summer days without AC are a nightmare, and the water’s not that much of a relief. Buuuuut… My back is more than happy to delegate some of its job to the buoyant force. Weeeeeee! I float! Weeeee! 💦🔫

“Thank you for the cocktail, dear. I can’t see your face because of the shades. They’re a statement piece, you see.” Hahaha. This is so not me. It’s so not me, it IS me. Let me explain, I’m as silly as to take a picture like this and pretend I’m someone who’d wear gloves to drink cocktails with gummy bears in them. And I’d definitely act like an over-the-top parody of royalty if provided with the props to pull it off, no matter how cheap they are or look. Whatever happens, this will be one of my most cherished pictures of me ever. It just screams “What the…?!” (The colours do all the screaming too!) Please don’t miss the details, it was an outfit carefully put together, even if Anna Wintour and the MET gala people would not approve of it. In my latest essay on my Patreon (link in bio) I elaborated on my past and the difficulties feeling good in my own skin with the girls always outshining me. I made a reference to some tea time with my family, all very civil and British sometimes (the yelling and the cursing in Spanish add a little bit of ‘salero’ to it). I just wish I could show up like this during tea time looking unimpressed at the pastries, sandwiches or whatever, just scoffing about everything. I wonder how long it would take before someone broke the social protocol and punched me in the face. “You’re being too dramatic. What an improper thing to do.” I’d say with my nose bleeding. Indeed!

I… Am. A. Scoundrel. Been away for too long, and missed you. My life took a turn and I didn’t quite know what do to with myself. The uke is always nice because it never leaves you behind. If anything, I did, but we are rekindling our flame. (Don’t swipe if you have aversion for beginners). Thank you for your lovely messages. I have read them and they’ve helped me through some stuff. Whenever I think being online is too much, I’m proven wrong. This especially goes to my patrons. You keep me going in ways you can’t even fathom. Thanks for being the rock to these melons. 🍈🍈🗿 (if you want to become a patron and do the melonwatch on the girls, Vesper and Potnia, the link is in the bio). It was also my birthday. It was joyous and happy and all that. I really enjoyed it with people I love, and some were absent, because life is complicated and we live in a globalised simulation and it’s tough. But, I hope I have extracted at least one smile from you. You can also laugh at my musical deficiency, I’ll take it. Love. 🌹

Chaotic neutral. I like that. That’s where I stand. 🌀 I’ve delivered what was in my mind for days. My essay about ants, pizza, comparing bras and a new life for me is out on Patreon (link in bio). Here’s a sneak peek of the pictures that go along with it. Matches the harmony and sophistication that is me. 🥸 (Groucho, just to be clear). It’s been a rocky month. I was actually afraid to open the app. I can’t believe those numbers, and as much as I love the support, I think it’s okay to feel overwhelmed every once in a while and take a step back. 200k is a lot. A special thanks as always to my patrons, who inspire me and titillate the muses for me. They have a special place in my mind —and heart— whenever I sit down to write or convey anything. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it. I guess, thank you. That’s all I want to say. See you around and hope you enjoy the chaos. Or, at the very least, find it amusing. 👾🌹

Been reading a lot of poetry about femininity lately, because that’s just vibing with me right now. And —as I told you— January was a month for reading, so at least I started the year keeping one resolution… At least one. Anyways, it’s fuel for my piece on the big-bosomed Javanese demon lady Wewe Gombel, a piece I keep promising, but it’s because I keep coming back to it. I just love the concept, and I know I’m loving the process of figuring it out. For now, I wrote a very personal one today on my Patreon (link in bio). It is anecdotal evidence of some embarrassment the girls have caused me in public. It’s not always a joy going out, there’s always the risk of a wardrobe malfunction or people staring… It’s enhanced by a culture that perpetuates shame in our bodies, so… It was a tough one. As you can see, I can’t stay serious for long. I imagine I’m a big-bosomed hungry spirit and I make faces… This is the result. Love and gratitude for your support always and wishing you a great weekend, I say ‘hasta pronto’. 😉

Feint et Flunge! Or, the most well laid plan of mice and men. I had an idea for this post. One of those things I got out… And, then —Pooff! It got deleted. Vanished! Alas! Spilled milk. The funny thing is life gives you lemons… An opponent looks the other way… Feint. You got their attention. What are you gonna do next? Is it a mind game or are you gonna dive all the way? To be flexible in this crazy world, the footwork it takes… (sigh) Today I chose flunging and I lost. I took my time, after this accidental post on my Patreon (link in bio —as always), to think. I don’t want to write the same thing, I’ll take this loss. The things I’ll write next are better. I’ve always been able to be just a little flexible in more than the literal sense. It’s a good test. But then gain, again, after a loss, that is flexibility. Feint-ing, and Flunging. ⚔️🤺

Long time no post. Sorry, sorry. New year, same old me, I guess? But I’ll get better at not disappearing. Promise! I think I have made up for it to some of you and to my Patrons with this essay and the picture (link in bio for more!) And there’s another more than adequate —if I do say so myself!— already in the print. Will be delivered in less than two days now. So excited! Feeling sexier than ever, tbh. 🌶 Life’s been good lately. I’ve been keeping at least one of my resolutions, mainly read more, and have started two anthologies. Alejandra Pizarnik and Edgar Allan Poe are the subjects of this month and one could argue I started the year with gloominess, but to that I say “What is romanticism!” Work is okay and my colleagues are nice. What more can one ask for, really? I have yet to take up drawing again (it’s another resolution), so you can hold me accountable for that and expect some sketches. 😌 To new beginnings, new months, new goals and new opportunities! I don’t know what this year holds and it could honestly beat the last couple at being a crappy one, but I’ll be here reminding myself everything is momentary. Breathing in, holding it, and breathing out. We might just make it. Happy (belated) new year!

Oh, dear. It’s Christmas Day. Happy holidays and cheers, cheers, cheers. 🥂 I did this shoot when I got my present for myself delivered to me. The whole of it is a bit spicier than usual, so this picture has been cropped. The others are completely inappropriate by the standards of the family friendly notion of what this parasocial reality is. If you want to see the whole thing, it’s on my Patreon (link in bio, as always) along with my essay and ode to my new mattress, supporter of my back and beeewbs. If you want to see a bit more, go to my Twitter, same username. Hope I make you smile. All those naughty chuckles you think I don’t see make my day. I’m like Santa, I just know. Blah, blah. I don’t want to be a drag. I just wanted to say “Hi, there, lovelies,” winking at you from this end. You have the best Christmas if it’s something you celebrate. If it isn’t, have a great weekend and give yourself a little something nice. Because “treat yourself” day is EVERYDAY. I’m with you in spirit wrapped in translucent fabric and tied with a pretty ribbon. Be good! 🎁💝

Having a case of the cold. Change of season going on and all. Lying down, restorative potions involved (soup), thinking… Overthinking too. Wanted to share a little bit of me, but didn’t know what to write. The inspiration well is dry today, all the moist seems to be elsewhere (you know, because I’ve got a runny nose. Hahaha, I’m hilarious). I leave you with this, and hope you enjoy it. To my patrons, I’ll threaten you with more of this shoot. All of you, be well! ⚕️♥️

My investigation on Wewe Gombel (a very frightening mythical big t1ts lady in Javanese culture) is going to result in fiction, I can tell. Accompanied by some pics of me today making horrific faces as a reaction to a very bright flash. The tone of the story will be… I AM GOING TO GET YOU AND TUCK YOU UNDER MY PROTUBERANCES! 👹🫥🧟‍♀️ And you will be there… Forever!! Funny thing, this caption (slightly altered) was deemed inappropriate and unacceptable by this social network’s standards. If it happens again, I really won’t know how to write words that pass the cut. I mean, you guys know me by now… When have I ever behaved inappropriately? Ever? My record is flawless and I am obviously of a respectable and lady-like character. 🫠 Love and have a great week. ♥️🌹

To get my anger out there, I sang a cover of ‘Happier Than Ever’. It’s been stuck in my head for some time now, and it had been a while since I’d allowed myself to get good and angry (my tipsiness probably helped). On the third picture you can see a frame from the supposed videoclip. It’s me jumping in what I’d like to call ‘grunge mood’. I’m proud of it, and it’ll be uploaded soon, patrons. If I was to do a record, I genuinely don’t know how I’d do it or how I’d give it a title, so I can’t express respect towards musicians enough. If you could comment on a title below, I’d appreciate it. 😉 I’d want to do something à la Allan Parsons Project if I was equipped with that talent. Given my style would be completely rubbish, I’d like it to at least be entertaining and goofy. On the Red Moon 🌒day when it seems things are spiralling out of control and the world is going to collapse, and as many of you face elections in a very divisive situation, I’d like to tell you things will be okay. But I don’t know that. I will, however, tell you that when you look at the moon at night, it’s the same moon for all of us, and that’s a comforting thought, I think. If you’re very pissed in either British or American terms, sing along with me on my Patreon page (link in bio), if you like. It also counts as a red moon ritual if you blast music and run around naked yelling the lyrics to whichever song you chose. I have another concept video coming out on my Patreon this month to keep you all a little closer to me. 🌹 I keep repeating “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Who is that for?

New month. Again. It happens every four weeks, about. Old shirt, it doesn’t fit. It happens more often than not, so I wear them in goofy shoots. Last year this month I was miserable. But today, right now, I’m really happy, and I wanted to share that. My family is far away but I’m closer to family I have chosen. It’s all a balance. A year ago I made the resolution of getting away from a bad job situation. Life’s definitely not perfect now and working remotely with unstable Internet connection is proving challenging, but it’s forcing me to learn and in many ways I’m happier. You know how you can’t help but smile sometimes? Even when the world is gloomy and dangerous and scary, I find reasons to smile right now. Maybe you feel like I do sometimes, held hostage by fear. Feelings and thoughts are not actual predators, they’re not animals, they’re not *real*. That’s where our anxiety technically comes from, evolution. Isn’t it weird? We like to think we’re all fancy, but even now if you’re on my page for t1ddies, there’s something primal about it, and about all the taboos that surround carnal pleasures. Food for thought. Patrons, and followers, enjoy this month. To make it easier I’ll be dropping content both here (follow me on Twitter too, same handle, a little sp1cier platform) and in my Patron, link in my bio. 😉 I’m thinking autumnal vibes for this month, except for some pool days. Mars retrograde in Gemini until January, so even if we’re scr3wed, we have each other. Happy November! 🍂♥️ So if you want to love me then, darling, don’t refrain.