I am starting to see me in the mirror again. Hey girl hey! ☺️Working on being more in my body and less in my head. Some days I choose comfort and other days I choose courage. Both days I choose me. Access to me is different now.
Today was the second time since January I was able to do something outside of the house alone. No wheelchair. No assistance needed. 🥳🥳 Feels like the best haircut I’ve ever had for those reasons. 😂 I have worked really hard to get here. I felt like myself today. 🥹I can walk longer, stand up longer, and breathe a little deeper. Praying recovery/remission is being prepared. Heavy on the second slide 🙏🏾
For me there is literally a testimony in standing up. There is testimony in walking even if it’s very short distances. Happy that I can count the moments and not the days when my heart rate is not over 130BPM. 😅Healing is happening. There is healing in the wait. I started painting/sketching and shocked that it’s actually legible 🤪 lol. I’m just going to keep creating and healing. 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Pics from 2021. 👑 I am my own muse. I am my only competition because comparison is a thief of joy. I am a creative being even when I’m not creating. It doesn’t work for me if there is no impact. Impact trumps popularity every time. If people can’t see themselves in the art then there is no point. If people can’t feel the magic then I’m doing it all wrong. There is art in everything if you believe in it. There are stories that can only be told from my POV. There is beauty in the little things and that’s what keeps me going. I’m still a creative even if I have to take time to heal. Thanking God in advance for the stories I will tell when the time is right.
I don’t look in the mirror much these days so I look at old pics of me. I loved being blonde. I look in awe because even as I recover I know I’ll never be blonde or be her again. And that’s ok. I told my physical therapist that I couldn’t wait to be able to walk into a session instead of using a wheelchair. But right now I take my time and I listen to my body. I can’t wait to be able to dance through this storm.
Another journal entry masking as a post. 🤪😅
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I’m so happy that I have done a lot of things in fear, in tears, in faith and sometimes just to prove something to myself. I knew how to find happiness for myself and I went after it.
Now I have to work really hard to find happiness in little things. And I know it’s not fair to myself, but sometimes the wins feel so small 😫. The way I set goals or decide if today is a day I can get anything done is completely new. Healing has been full of grief. Grieving all of the changes happening at once and the unpredictability of each day. I try not to be hyper focused on what I have lost, but I’m only human. My wheelchair and shower chair remind me both of how far I have come and how far I have to go. Today was a day I could barely walk to the bathroom because of debilitating fatigue. A day like today would’ve had me crying all day last month. Today I still had moments of peace AND laughter. MINDSET SHIFT IS THAT YOU PLAYA?? Right now some days require SOME stillness and other days require a full STOP. I have to follow my body’s lead on what I can handle instead of jumping headfirst into anything. Some days are above water and others I’m drowning. But each day is mine to decide if I will seek out small wins. These clips remind me that I’m still me no matter what I do in the future. Because at least I have no regrets of the triumphs and failures of who I was pre-diagnosis. I’m still buried in here just looking for the colors and the light. Right now all my personalities 😜 are deeply embedded in a soul changing healing era. 🙏🏾🙏🏾
